


The Oracle of Valdebebas

by trimalchio



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Star Wars Setting, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2016-07-06
Packaged: 2018-07-14 15:25:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7177271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trimalchio/pseuds/trimalchio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cristiano Ronaldo is a hotshot pilot in the Resistance. Kaká is the naïve Republic officer sent to arrest him. Lionel Messi is the relentless bounty hunter after them both.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> So I had meant to write this for Spring Fling, but I defaulted and decided to start over from scratch.

Three men and a droid trudged across the wasteland.They probably should have been rushing, considering they were on the run from the First Order, a bounty hunter, and a casino owner, but it was so hot that getting arrested, maimed or killed didn’t seem like much of a punishment anymore.

“TK-8?” Luka Modric, the smallest of the three men, asked, “When are we getting to the barracks?”

The three men had wordlessly decided to never to speak to one another again prior to this moment.

“TK-8, don’t answer him,” Cristiano Ronaldo commanded.He had bought TK-8 as a navigational droid for his ship, but had developed an affection for the perpetually annoyed little thing.Ronaldo had taken his shirt off and wrapped it around his head, in hopes that it would provide some respite from the blistering sun.He also liked walking around with his shirt off, so that was a mild bonus.

“Well, how long are we going to be walking?” Luka asked.He was dragged his feet, skidding the soles of his shoes across the light layer of dust that peppered the hard, pavement-like ground.

The third man, Kaká, had a twitch in his eye.

TK-8 gave a half-hearted, yet still bothered beep, no longer willing to protest against their situation.

“Two hours?We’ve been walking for an entire day!”

“Well maybe you should have thought about that before you got kidnapped and taken into slavery by a casino owner!”

Kaká’s eyelid twitched again.


	2. Three Days Earlier

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away…

After the fall of the Empire, the galaxy has gone into a period of relative peace, ruled over by the NEW REPUBLIC; however, peace is not what it seems.

A RESISTANCE movement has developed to combat growing support for the FIRST REPUBLIC, a group intent on resurrecting the power of the GALACTIC EMPIRE.

Tensions run high as citizens, particularly members of the Republic’s Military, defect to the Resistance.The Republic Military Police assign one of their best officers to interfere with the Resistance, hoping to divert resources and loyalty back to the Republic…

-

Liga was a well-populated planet in a crowded system, in a dense part of the galaxy.If any planet was holding a secret, Liga contained multitudes.Its overcrowded cities, its general bustle made the planet a perfect place to hide.

It was a widely acknowledged truth that spies were crawling all over the planet, from all sides:Republic, Resistance, and First Order.For the average citizen of Liga, only the First Order spies were radical and dangerous enough to affect normal life.The Republic and the Resistance, more or less, worked in crooked tandem, although the official party line was that the Resistance was outlawed in Republic territory.Kaká was a spy.

It was his first mission, although he had been to Liga before, having served as a Republic Military Police Officer in uniform, earlier in his career.He had never been to Valdebebas though, a notorious pleasure city, packed with casinos, night clubs, and prostitution.Kaká had a pastoral childhood on a forest moon:much of his time was spent whittling knives out of sticks, waiting for a predator to try to steal one of his family’s cattle.The predators never came, so Kaká had roughly one hundred and thirty-two sharpened sticks hidden all around his family’s farmland.The rest of his time was spent throwing rocks at bottles lined up on the fence posts.The other officers in the Republic Military Police called him a yokel and a prude.Kaká didn’t think he was either of those things, but that didn’t stop him from staring up goggle-eyed at the giant advertising screens that lined the streets or blushing profusely and turning his face away when passing dancers.

If Kaká had a choice, he wouldn’t go to those parts of the city; however, it was the part of the city that the Resistance pilots could often be found.The Resistance pilots were not the most important figures in their respective fashion, but were definitely the coolest.Pilots tended to be the coolest type of person regardless, but Resistance pilots had the bonus of being anti-authority, making them even cooler.

Kaká was supposed to find one pilot, in particular, Cristiano Ronaldo.Ronaldo used to be in the Republic Navy.He had been a great pilot, according to Captain Ancelotti, Kaká’s superior officer.One of the best.Everyone always knew that the very best pilots always had extreme, if relatively noble beliefs.

Kaká slipped into the club that the pilots always went to.He had gone there often, just to observe.He tried to stay invisible in the crowd, melting into the throngs of bodies.The pilots had a harem around them, entertaining the audience with elaborate tales of derring do.Today was no different.Kaká knew all of the pilots by name:obviously Cristiano Ronaldo, Jesé Rodríguez, James Rodríguez (no relation), and Gareth Bale.He had been eavesdropping for weeks, mentally noting their movements, hoping to remember it all by the time he got back to his room where he could write it all down.

The pilots always had a droid with them, a little TK-8.It was a demanding, little thing with a bad attitude that Kaká was endlessly fascinated by.The TK-8 was probably the smartest of the outfit, always ably warning the others before First Order raids.Kaká wasn’t sure to whom the TK-8 belonged, but its loyalty seemed to be firmly with the Resistance.Kaká would have loved to inspect it closer.Droids always had the most interesting secrets.This night, the TK-8 wasn’t in the club.

Kaká hadn’t bought a drink, just standing awkwardly away from the bar, watching the pilots intently.The TK-8 droid rolled into the club, beeping in annoyance, smashing into Cristiano Ronaldo’s legs, who looked like he had been trying to get a date.Ronaldo glanced down at the TK-8, gently pushing it away.The TK-8 dinged insistently.Ronaldo excused himself and followed the TK-8 out of the club.

The TK-8 was probably smarter than all of the pilots put together, so if it was bothering Ronaldo, Kaká figured it was worth learning about.Kaká glanced at the remaining pilots before following the TK-8 and Ronaldo out a back door.


	3. Chapter 3

Lionel Messi was a bounty hunter.It wasn’t a fair job, but then again, it wasn’t a fair galaxy either.

TK-8 was a smart droid, smarter than any Resistance pilot that Messi had ever encountered.When Messi told TK-8 to go get Ronaldo, it complied.Ronaldo’s human compatriots would have put up a fight and would have been vaporized for their trouble.TK-8 just did what Messi asked.

Messi didn’t say anything, waiting in silence.The alleyway was one of the darkest places in all of Valdebebas, a tiny reclusive enclave from the neon lights that pervaded the rest of the city.

Messi didn’t necessarily feel loyalty to the First Order, but bounty hunters, mercenaries, and the like were generally the first to be recruited to any kind of disruptive cause such as theirs.He didn’t know much more than what he wanted to.It was enough and it was fine.

The door opened and Ronaldo stepped into the quiet alleyway.

Messi didn’t say anything, gripping his gun, anticipating the moment that Ronaldo would try something “heroic,” but ultimately stupid.Ordinarily, disintegration was the order of the day, but his boss had warned against that.The boss’s bosses wanted Ronaldo alive, intact and not dust scattered across a dirty Valdebebas wall.

Messi had been young when he started hunting, the youngest his boss ever had.And he was quickly determined to be the best.When they first gave him his gun, it was like his whole body had come alive for the first time.The whole galaxy felt new and right.It was almost as though the Force itself had bestowed upon him a special task.But Messi had never spoken to the Force.Or at least, he didn’t think he did.

Ronaldo moved smoothly, away from the door, out into the open part of the alleyway.Ronaldo’s eyes darted upwards, over Messi’s head.Messi was used to that treatment; a lot of people didn’t think the best bounty hunter in this part of the galaxy could be as short as he was.

“I can pay,” Ronaldo said, putting his hands out in a defensive position, “Who wants their money, this time?”

“This is not about money.”

“It usually is.Who says I owe them?” Ronaldo insisted.

“This is not about money,” Messi repeated.

Ronaldo looked genuinely confused for a moment, before a realization set over his face.

“Oh,” Ronaldo mumbled, “It’s the end of the line, huh?”

Ronaldo held his hands out, for Messi to handcuff him.Messi let go of his gun, letting it dangle across his shoulders by its strap.Messi had just slipped the cuffs over Ronaldo’s wrists, when something hit him behind, hard, tackling him.Messi was splayed out in the alley.When he looked up, Ronaldo was already running away.Someone had kicked his gun, but the strap caught Messi under his chin, briefly choking him, before he pushed himself up to shake it loose.

Breaths came quick and panicked.Messi never had anyone gotten the jump on him before.

He could have sworn that Ronaldo had been alone and he had not heard the door into the club open again.

Messi sat up, leaning against the grimy alley wall.The alley was now deserted, save for the two fleeing men, bounding around a corner and out of sight.

He would find Ronaldo.He always found his man.


End file.
